Urine for a Wild Ride

May 2017

Welfare Check

One of the lesser known jobs a law enforcement officer will almost always have to perform on a daily basis, is a welfare check. This call comes in when someone, usually a genuinely concerned citizen, sees something or someone who just seems "out of whack" for the day and they want law enforcement to check it out. Make sure everything is okay.

We get these calls multiple times a day. Most of the time, people are fine. Old grandparents who haven't spoken to their kids in a long time and they're worried. People who are off their meds and just need a little talking to. A sad kid in school who is lonely and maybe said something out of anger he shouldn't have. But sometimes... they REALLY needed help.

The call came in like most calls. Someone at a hotel was concerned about a young lady who was being very loud at the pool. The caller said the woman was screaming at the top of her lungs that she was worried about everyone's souls and that she wanted to sacrifice herself to Satan to save them all! Your typical, run-of-the-mill Floridian off their meds, probably.

On our arrival, we met with with a young man who was staying at the hotel with his aunt. They were both wearing swim suits and looked like they were just trying to enjoy the day at the pool. The kid pulled me aside and whispered to me, "Officer, she was sticking needles in herself in her hotel room then started running around like crazy. She came out to the pool and started screaming all kinds of stuff about Jesus and how we all needed to love Jesus and each other. She said she loved us so much she was going to sacrifice herself to Satan in order to save our souls."

As we walked through the pool area we couldn't see anyone by that description. The pool was overflowing as the Florida rain continuously poured down on our heads. Our black boots splashing in the puddles as we searched for the woman with a proclivity for high preaching.

"She's over there!" The boy's aunt loudly whispered, "...room 112."

As I approached the room I looked into the wide and uncovered windows. An incredibly skinny, scantily clad, woman was pacing back and forth in the room wearing a black bathing suit covered by a torn white shirt and grey sweatpants. I knocked on the door and her eyes became wide as she saw me standing at the front of her room. After about 30 seconds of continued pacing, she finally opened the door.

With a swing the door opened inward and she leaped back into the room, inviting us in. We talked for a short time with her, but the conversation felt often entirely one sided. Her room was filled with religious relics, posters, motivational wall hangings, and religious memes. She would often get lost in long and drawn out monologues about her love for humanity and Jesus; her mission to save souls. Pacing back and forth she would point to a poster on the wall, read it, and tell us what it meant to her.

"God makes miracles out of messes and mistakes! This is what you should.... God loves you! I love you! We should all love each other like God loves! Without love what is there? Plants? Animals? I love... We all need to love. God loves. Do you love God? You should love God!"

Mistakenly, I asked if she was a preacher. She felt so inclined to inform me that she was not in fact a preacher, but she is an entertainer (dancer). She told me she uses her job to reach those who need God. What an incredible outreach.

It was beginning to drain on us where this was no longer entertaining but had bridged into, "We really need to do something about this. We can't just leave her here." She had obvious tracks on her feet indicating she had recently shot up with something, but we couldn't quite tell what. There was so much stuff in the room it would literally be like trying to find a needle in a trash stack.

The finish line finally came in sight when she picked up what looked like a large stone tablet. She showed us the Roman writing on the sides and the cross etched in the center. She said it was the stone that covered Jesus in his tomb when he was crucified. She grabbed the stone tightly and ran like hell for the door, right into my sergeant. She raised the tablet over her head; and the fight was one.

We rushed in to grab her, securing her arms to her side and eventually forcing them to her back into handcuffs. It was at this moment something happened that was a first for both myself and my twenty-years-experience sergeant. The woman picked up both her legs, resting all her weight into the window in front of her and the officers carrying her by her arms, and let loose a monsoon of pee. The splash as it hit the floor was unmistakable, as though she had just spilled a large glass of lemonade.

We had enough. We picked her up by her arms and carried her out to the car, where we put her in the back seat and secured her as best as possible. The ride to the hospital was...... entertaining to say the least. She sang, she danced, she preached, she cried, she laughed, she farted, and she peed still some more. As we arrived she finally calmed down and gave up. She walked right into the hospital and into a bed, where restraints were a must.

Chapter 397 of the Florida Statutes is known as the "Hal S. Marchman Alcohol and Other Drug Services Act of 1993". It provides for the involuntary or voluntary assessment and stabilization of a person allegedly abusing substances like drugs or alcohol, and provides for treatment of substance abuse. This was the best case scenario for her and her future. Although one of the craziest calls of my career, so far, I do sincerely hope she got the help she needed.

Also, thank God for Lysol.

#pee #urine #stripper